I'm going to make a bold and potentially offensive claim regarding what I am beginning to suspect is the proper measure of intelligence.

Observe that (1) all the world is a series of physical events, that nothing known to be of our environment does not involve, at its base, simple rearrangements of energy and matter.

Observe that (2) the only way to describe and understand these events in their entirety is through a rigorous and systematic series of logical statements and that these statements describe numeric qualities (distance, time, mass, volume, energy, velocity, quantity, probability, etc.), i.e. mathematics.

Observe that (3) intelligence is a measure of one's capacity to understand and perform in one's environment.

Observe that (4) in order to understand and operate in one's environment on a conscious basis, one needs some integrated capacity to make these logical statements in estimation, and an increased systematization of these statements allows for greater precision and depth of understanding and thus for a greater range of performance.

Given these points, I will assert that the purest measure of intelligence is one's inclination toward mathematical thought and aptitude for performing mathematical calculations.

Someone countered, in opposition to this, that they can survive plainly and happily without the slightest hint of mathematical knowledge and do not need to perform mathematical calculations in order to demonstrate their intelligence. In defending against this refutation, I must stress that math is not just an exercise for those who are fully conscious that they are performing it.

We perform math on a rudimentary, non-rigorous and unsystematic basis every instant of our waking lives, mostly subconsciously and occasionally consciously. It is present in our brains as we calculate distances, assess proportion, seek out symmetry, recognize patterns, intuit probability, and perform simple counting exercises. These are all integral parts of our ability to comprehend and interact with our world and is hence the primary component of our intelligence. I would go further to assert that an even deeper and even more systematic comprehension and utilization of mathematical principles is indicative of yet higher degrees of intelligence.

It is such a ruinous and painful circumstance to have all of my ambitions, values, and one of my center most pillars of self-esteem hinge on a grade that I cannot seem to make in a class that is unconquerable for me.

I failed a math quiz yesterday; it is not the first. Each time it happens, I cannot help but feel my life's passions slipping further away.

I can hardly feign the self-esteem to hold my head up. I am embarrassed to my core. My chest aches, and my fists clench in spontaneous bouts of rageful frustration.

I am being defeated, and what is my life worth if I cannot muster the competence to fulfill my own objectives?

How much more of my own ineptitude will I be able to sustain before I renounce my values and give up? What will become of me if I do?

I can't live that way. I will not go through another five years of nihilism and self loathing. I'd end myself before that, my pride intact.

2/22/10 UPDATE: I have projected my grade over the rest of the semester and shown that moderate adjustments in my approach to the class should allow me to recover from this academic slump. This is the second time that I have attempted the class and I reason that several more attempts would be in order before my goals seemed implausible. The prospect, however, of having my goals delayed further, when they already promise to be so delayed, frightened me. I panicked before fully assessing the danger that my goals were in. That fact shames me to some extent.

I must rediscover an outlook that would alleviate my anxiety over such stressful occasions. I had such an outlook before. I don't know whats become of it.